Hugging without permission. Disparaging a parent in front of children struggling with divorce. Demonstrative privilege. Being a bad listener or, worse, a terrible loser. The world and all its interacting black holes would probably make Emily Post spill her tea. The grande dame of all forms died in 1960, but two of her descendants have revised her advice book for the 21st century to mark the centenary of its first edition. “I think mostly that it’s very easy to paint etiquette and manners as tools of elitism, tools of secrecy, tools of exclusion,” said Lizzie Post, Emily’s great-granddaughter and co-author of the latest “Emily Post’s Etiquette.” “And when they’re used that way, and they certainly can be, they’re essentially useless. But when we use etiquette and manners as a tool for self-reflection and awareness of others, I think we’ll really have a chance to make the world a better place “, he said. As promiscuity has taken an even stronger hold in the culture, the new book encourages patience and humility in discussing difficult topics. This, he notes, requires “being comfortable with the idea that your brilliant observation could go unsaid.” The book also pleads for grace in defeat and a “good apology,” avoiding the word “if” to neutralize the effort or “but” to dig your hole deeper. Emily published her first edition of the book under a different title in 1922, after making a name for herself as a novelist and travel writer. It’s been updated over the decades, but the 20th edition coming out in October is a complete update. There’s plenty of advice on setting tables, dressing for different occasions, and basic courtesies in things like gifts, tips, and greetings. But Lizzie Post and her cousin and co-author, Daniel Post Senning, have tackled issues far more critical. They achieved this in part through crowdsourcing, including ideas from callers to their Awesome Etiquette podcast. And they did it in the midst of a pandemic and the .MeToo movement, both recognized for issues like optional handshakes or seeking permission to hug or kiss on the cheek. “A hug is such an intimate gesture that, for some, an unwanted one can feel like a violation,” the new book notes in part. “When someone doesn’t ask, pushes for one, or even forces it, it communicates that because they think it’s okay, they’re pushing their body against someone else. Depending on how it’s done, it can turn into sexual harassment or assault.” Not exactly groundbreaking, unless it’s written under Emily Post’s name. Emily herself was born into East Coast privilege, growing up in Baltimore and New York. Her father was a prominent architect for the wealthy who designed the Tuxedo Park enclave in New York, and her mother was the daughter of a coal baron. Emily met her husband, Edward, at a Fifth Avenue dance. There was scandal involving his romantic dalliances with chorus girls and actresses, leading to a divorce in 1906, according to a biographer and contemporary reports. Her inner circle tried to ensure her privacy after that, and her descendants have some words of wisdom for her friends and family who offer sympathy today in divorces and separations. “Avoid trying to pressure or suggest the right decision for a friend,” Posts writes in the new book. “It’s especially important to be careful what you say about children whose parents have divorced or are divorcing. Cheering the news or making negative comments is unnecessary.” The book takes on other losses that were often not addressed in Emily’s time, such as grieving a miscarriage. “You definitely want to avoid saying things like ‘next time will happen’ or ‘it just wasn’t your time,’” the book advises. Through her travels, Emily learned more about the lives of those outside her social circle. By 1922, he wrote in the first chapter of the first edition of the book, what was then called the “Best Society” was not a group born into great wealth or status, but a group made up of “nobles” who looked after each other. “The best society,” he wrote, “is not at all like a court with a particular queen or king, nor is it confined to one place or group, but might better be described as an unlimited brotherhood extending over the whole surface of the globe, the members of which are always men of cultivation and worldly knowledge, who have not only perfect manners, but also perfect manner.’ Her offspring take privilege this way: “Privilege can be and sound like a lot of different things, but in conversation, it mostly comes across as a lack of awareness that you’ve benefited in a way that others might not.” Modern pronoun manners are also looked at in the new book, as a way to show “support, respect and basic courtesy”. “You might think someone’s pronouns are easy enough to tell by looking at them, but the reality is that’s not always the case,” Posts writes. “If you don’t know someone’s pronouns and need to know them to make an introduction, the polite thing to do is to ask, ‘Joan, what pronouns do you use?’” Note that you’re not asking what pronouns Joan ‘prefers’ – – an unfortunately common construction for this question.” Emily was 87 when she died. Ironically, Lizzie Post said in an interview, “the older she got, the less she liked to participate in society… She felt, I think, a lot of autonomy and a lot of power and a lot of authority in being able to stay at home and not be big case”. Expanding her empire constantly with other etiquette books. As an only child, Emily was “daddy’s girl,” Lizzie said, and the loss of her father in 1903 was a blow. Other tragedies followed. Her mother was killed in an automobile accident in 1909. One of her two sons, Bruce, grew up to be an architect like her father, but died at age 32 of appendicitis as the two worked together on a house on Martha’s Vineyard . There she spent the summer as she continued to write new books and bring out editions of her etiquette Bible. With her surviving son, Ned, she founded The Emily Post Institute in 1946, and the family still runs it today. In print, Emily became “more inclusive over the years,” Lizzie said. Emily’s etiquette was based more on education and merit than ideology and socioeconomic status, she said. To that, Lizzie said, “I’m happy.”
